Feeling: Emotional, Reflective
Time: 6:36PM
Listening: A Pearl by Mitski
i have been feeling low and emotional these past few days. the holidays are spiritually meaningless for me, but i am always filled with loneliness and longing. i don't celebrate christmas but i am on xmas' "schedule" because i'm a chinese restaurant kid ... my whole entire life, i would just sit at home while every adult in my extended family works and gets yelled at by people who wait long hours for their food from, i'll mention that we're one of the cheapest and most delicious chinese food restaurants in the city. EVERYONE is ordering chinese food, and with the exception of this year, the roads are always TERRIBLE. i remember when i was really young, i just slept on some chairs in the back, would go on deliveries w my dad, and bus tables because i wasn't old enough to be home alone. these white families high key hate eachother too, and then take their rage out on chinese people who don't speak much english. i understand why we're all open for business, but you would think the ppl who commodified 'kindness' into their religious celebrations would be less abusive. but also we are racialized in such a way that we are just alien labour.
a week before christmas, it was also international migrant labour day & international day to end violence against sex workers was last week, and migrant sex workers happen to be uniquley targetted and criminalized in the carceral system...an immigrant's body is nothing but service to many. it can be difficult to reconcile all these things at this time of the year where everything is filled with christmas and family television, radio, movies, etc.
throughout israel's current massacre on Palestinians, there was a girl in one of the fandom communities i am a part of who is from Gaza. a couple of days ago, i found out she has lost her eye from a tank missile attack on the school she had been staying at. please let this nightmare end. for all palestinians, but especially for noury. i hope w all my heart she is alive, that she will be able to read + watch jjk, and draw her fanart soon. please end this now. please medical aid reach her. i hope iof dies before they attack school again. i was willing to be patient with people who were still learning or were maybe misinformed, but i don't think i can be nice anymore to the people who are "on the side of palestinians" but with numerous conditions or police the bahavious of them or don't support resistance. i was already unconditionally with Palestinians, but it's become a lot closer to me than it was before. i hope Noury survives. please.
despite these troubles and struggles, i have a lot to be excited for. i have been doing wonderful art projects in communities i care about. i have met wonderful people and i will continue to nourish those relationships to feed myself with love and growth! i get to work on artwork i am excited for. despite the horrors, grief, and troubles, there is joy too!
2024 is about love and friendship. i will be busy and stressed, but it will be about love and friendship. my forever friends, my clx3, new friends, long distance friends, creating a particular space in my heart and nourishing care for comrades who i'm not as close to as well (but share political responsibility with). offering care where it is needed, and loving w no limits despite the vulnerability and shame from offering such things. i will also work harder to build capacity for experiencing joy without feeling suicidal or having a mood drop everytime someone shows me kindness or care. i will share many meals with those i love/will love. i will giggle a lot in 2024, in particular i will giggle a lot with others. i will stop rejecting kind gestures in fear of transactional relationships. I will continue to learn to enjoy life and "feel like a person”. i will smile sweetly and be sweet. i will hug more people. i will make my new personality organic and “natural”. i will continue to choose to be kind and honest! i will not be upset when i fail. i will exude safety and warmth. i will reciprocate love from others. 2024 is about love and friendship!!!
